


pranksters and time wasters

by hailingstars



Series: unbelievably unlikely (febuwhump 2020) [17]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Bed Rest, Gen, Hacking, Hurt Peter Parker, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is a Good Bro, Peter is his guy in the chair, Prank Calls, author knows nothing about computer hacking or programming or whatever, febuwhump 2020, kind of, ned is a digital vigilante, scamming the scammers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:17:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22805422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hailingstars/pseuds/hailingstars
Summary: “Please, Mr. Stark,” said Peter, with a whine. “I’ve been lying in bed for years.”“It’s been one day, kid,” said Mr. Stark. “Keep it up and people will start thinking you’re more dramatic than I am.”“What if you got hurt and were stuck in bed all day?” asked Peter, throwing his head back against the pillow. “Think about it. Just have some empathy.”“I would eat my soup and take a nap and stop blabbing about it.”“You would not.”“You’re right, I wouldn’t. Know what else I wouldn’t do? Disregard my highly wise and intelligent mentor’s order to disengage and chase down a deranged reptile on my own.”ORAfter Peter is injured during a fight with a lizard man, he's put on bedrest that Tony (unfairly) makes him stick to. Luckily Ned comes over and has a plan (and a secret) that lets Peter be vigilante from his bedroom.ORPeter and Ned waste the time of those annoy call centers that target the elderly.
Relationships: Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: unbelievably unlikely (febuwhump 2020) [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619662
Comments: 54
Kudos: 451





	pranksters and time wasters

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was inspired by falling down a youtube rabbit hole and thinking yeah, Peter and ned would do this 
> 
> hope you enjoy!!

The giant lizard might not have killed him, but Peter was sure bedrest would. What a boring way for his world to end, locked away in the Stark penthouse and sitting up on a bed with nothing but his laptop to entertain him. At least if the lizard wiped him out, it’d would’ve have been that dull.

He did consider getting up, ignoring what the doctors had told him about only walking when necessary, and slinging himself out the window. He never acted on it, though. He suspected Friday had been ordered to spy on him.

“You only have yourself to blame,” Mr. Stark told him, when he bought his lunch into the room. A bowl of hot soup on a wooden tray that stayed steady when put down on the bed.

“Please, Mr. Stark,” said Peter, with a whine. “I’ve been lying in bed for _years_.”

“It’s been one day, kid,” said Mr. Stark. “Keep it up and people will start thinking you’re more dramatic than I am.”

“What if you got hurt and were stuck in bed all day?” asked Peter, throwing his head back against the pillow. “Think about it. Just have some empathy.”

“I would eat my soup and take a nap and stop blabbing about it.”

“You would not.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t. Know what else I wouldn’t do? Disregard my highly wise and intelligent mentor’s order to disengage and chase down a deranged reptile on my own.”

Peter frowned, creased his face.

That sounded exactly like something Mr. Stark would do, but before he could tell him, he had already left his bedroom. He stared at the soup and ran his spoon through it with gloom. He didn’t have a cold. He didn’t see why he had to eat soup like a sick person when he was really just injured. It was completely different.

Because he had too, because Tony was petty about the whole disregarding orders thing so his pleas for something different to eat would fall on death ears, Peter took a bite of the soup. Then another, and another, until it was finished. It was actually really good.

He stared at the empty bowl and resolved to tell Tony he’d flushed it down the toilet.

*

Ned walked into his room at 3:47 PM, exactly seventeen minutes after Midtown dismissed for the day. Peter had an alarm set on his phone, one that went off in sync with the bells at Midtown and allowed him to keep track of time and daydream about what he’d be doing if it hadn’t been for that doctor banning him from school.

“How’s school?” asked Peter, trying to keep his voice casual when really, he was desperate for information. Any information.

“Good. It was school,” said Ned, as he piled classwork and notes he’d bought for him on the desk chair, before rolling it over to Peter’s bedside.

“Well what about MJ? How was she today? Which book was she reading?”

Ned only stared at him. “Dude. You’re getting weird.”

“I can’t help it,” said Peter. He threw up his hands and tossed his head back into his pillows. “This place is making me crazy. But, I guess, you’re here now.”

Peter shot him a grin, thinking about their plans to stay up all night and unlock a secret ending on the new Star Wars game, but it was a gesture Ned didn’t return. He shuffled on his feet and suddenly Peter knew how Mr. Stark always knew when he was guilty or lying.

“You’re bailing?”

“I’m sorry, Peter,” said Ned. “Something came up.”

“Something, like what?”

“Ummm – “

“Oh! You have a secret.”

“No I don’t.”

“Ned I’m the king of keeping secrets,” said Peter. “I can tell.”

“Dude literally everyone who spends five minutes with you knows you’re Spider-Man.”

“So we’re both bad at it. Just tell me! Come on, Ned, I’m injured, and I’m bored.”

“Okay fine,” said Ned, caving in, just like Peter knew he would. “You know Mr. Harrington got tricked by the Microsoft refund scammers?”

“Dude,” said Peter, shaking his head. “Yeah. Poor Mr. Harrington. He gave them like 2k.”

“Yeah,” said Ned. “Anyway, I was thinking, I could probably out hack the scammers, so I started doing that, you know to annoy them and waste their time.”

Ned explained the process. It was sort of elaborate, involved fake banking websites he’d created himself and was just about the most amazing thing Peter had ever heard.

Ned baited the scammers, called them or had them call him somehow, wasted their time, and if he had them on the phone long enough to connect to their computer, hacked into their system and delete victim lists and information.

“Ned,” said Peter, once he was finish with his explanation. “That’s so awesome. You gotta let me help, man.”

“I dunno.”

“Please,” said Peter. “Let me be your guy in the chair.”

In the end, that was the only thing Ned needed to hear.

*

Convincing Mr. Stark to let Ned stay over was easy. He’d been happy because he’d figured having Ned around would cut down on all the whining.

All Ned had to do was run home and grab a few things from his bedroom, like a voice changer and his computer, and once he got back, he dragged Peter’s desk over to his bed and set everything up. After some wrangling of cords, and another speech from Ned about his operation, they got started.

He handed Peter a microphone that made his voice sound like an old women’s, and they dialed their first call center of the evening.

Peter, who liked to ramble, turned out to be the perfect old lady to distract the scam artists while Ned hacked into their computers, deleting their call lists and other information they no doubt extracted from unsuspecting victims. Peter’s only trouble was, when he spent too long to talking to any one scammer, he started to feel sorry for them.

“You sound like a really nice young man,” said Peter, his voice coming out sounding exactly like his neighbors who lived in 12A, for who he occasionally picked up groceries for. “And you’re clearly very smart. You could be doing any number of things besides leading a life of crime and darkness, honey, why don’t you just come back to the light side of the force?”

Ned slammed the mute button down on the mic, holding back a laugh. “Dude you just blew our cover. Stop trying to save the scammers.”

“Why?” asked Peter. His voice away from the mic, sounding normal. “I feel like they’re just caught in a bad situation, you know?”

“They _are_ ,” said Ned. “But it won’t work.”

Ned pushed the unmute button, and after which was proven right. The jig was up. The scammers knew they were pranksters and timewasters and they weren’t happy about it.

“What? You’re a child, right?” asked the man on the other end of the phone. “Sitting in your mother’s basement, probably. You know what? Fuck your mother!”

Peter gasped. “Shows how much you know. I don’t even have a mother!”

There was some shouting in the background, as the call center became aware that their files were missing and weren’t coming up. That they were deleted and that couldn’t continue victimizing the same set of people.

The line disconnected, and Peter aimed a kick at his mattress, wondering about the audacity of some people, thinking he was an actual child.

Just then, the door to Peter’s bedroom opened and Mr. Stark poked his head inside. “I heard shouting.” His eyes surveyed the room suspiciously. “What are you two doing?”

“Just playing a game,” said Peter.

“He’s really bad at it, Mr. Stark,” added Ned. “He gets pretty heated.”

Mr. Stark didn’t look as if he believed them but moved to shut the door.

“Wait!”

Mr. Stark waited.

“Can you bring me some apple juice?” asked Peter. “Oh, and with a little bendy straw, please?”

Mr. Stark rolled his eyes, but just a few minutes later, he was back with a glass of apple juice. A blue bendy straw hung out from the top.

*

The night wore on and Peter stopped trying to convince the scammers to come into the light. Ned was right. It was useless.

Instead Peter did what Peter did best. He rambled and made things up. He recounted his issues with constipation and eating too little fiber while he pretended to go to the grocery store and buy the gift cards the scammer told him to buy, while Ned singlehandedly destroyed their entire operation panel in a matter of thirty minutes.

It was an endless work, though, Peter was beginning to learn. There were endless amounts of scams, endless amounts of horrible people looking to take advantage of the elderly, but Ned didn’t tire, not even when it was nearing 3 AM and Peter’s eyes were starting to get heavy.

He was dozed off for a minute, maybe two, when the door to Peter’s room burst open. His eyes snapped open and Mr. Stark stood on the other side.

“Why is there an army of overseas amateur hackers trying to sledgehammer their way into my extremely private and secure network?”

Peter and Ned looked at each other, and, since Peter saw no better option, he explained what their game actually was.

Mr. Stark listened, intently, and once Peter was finished with his tale, nodded and said, “I want in.”

“What?”

“Yep,” said Mr. Stark. He ambled in the room and took a seat on Peter’s bed, next to where all the computers were set up. He pulled a notecard from his pocket and gave it to Ned. “That’s the IP address of the people trying to get into our network. Probably as revenge? Or maybe their trying to get back on the victim’s bank information that you stole. I don’t know, but we’re gonna nuke them.”

“Um, nuke them?” asked Peter, eyes wide.

“Not literally, boy-scout,” said Mr. Stark. “We’re just gonna brick all their computers.”

“You can do that?” Ned’s voice was full of awe.

“Yep,” said Mr. Stark, and it had only taken him a few seconds. A few punches in the keyboard and clicks from the mouse. Once he was done, he clapped his hands together, and stood up. “Alright, they’re finished and it’s bedtime.”

Peter groaned, not really tired anymore once someone had told him to go to bed.

Mr. Stark stopped when he got to the door. “And you, Fred- “

“ _Ned_ ,” Peter corrected for the millionth time, shaking his head.

“I’m tired of having a fake intern,” he told Ned, not so discreetly pointing at Peter. “I’ll have someone send an email. Set you up at SI. Maybe we can set up a cyber justice department.”

Peter rolled his eyes as Mr. Stark left the room, and Ned almost fell out of his chair.

“I can’t believe I have an internship with Tony Stark.”

“Can I be there when you tell Flash?” asked Peter. They both laughed, and Peter continued. “Really, dude, you deserve it. It’s pretty cool you spend so much time wasting their time. Who knows how many people you’ve stopped them for taking advantage of?”

Ned shrugged. “No bid deal. Nothing like Spider-Man – “

“It _is_ like Spider-Man,” said Peter. “You just have different powers.”

“I still feel bad we can’t do anything for Mr. Harrington, though,” said Ned.

“Me too. Oh wait. I know Tony Stark.”

Ned frowned and Peter called Mr. Stark on the phone.

“This better be good, Parker, I was about to be asleep.”

“Can I have two thousand dollars?” asked Peter. He might have had trouble asking him for help with money when it was for himself, but Peter saw no problem asking Mr. Stark when he was helping someone else.

“Will it stop the whining?” asked Mr. Stark. “Will I get to finally rest?”

“Sure, at least for a couple of hours.”

“Fine I’ll write you a check.”

“Cash please.”

Mr. Stark hung up on him.

The next week, when Peter was finally allowed out of bed and was back at school, he and Ned snuck out of class and slipped an envelope full of cash into Mr. Harrington’s beat up Kia. The attached a note, so Mr. Harrington wouldn’t feel like he needed to turn it in, explaining that it was, in fact, for him.

Ned signed it as the guy in the chair, although they both knew he was way more than that, that he was a hero in his own right.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! 
> 
> comments and/or kudos let me know what you think 
> 
> [or come yell at me on tumblr](https://hailing-stars.tumblr.com)


End file.
